Nabokov is a Blowhard

I recently finished reading Vladimir Nabokov's excruciatingly irritating, alleged masterpiece "Lolita." I carried this book with me over two Christmas breaks in Carmel and through two jury duty stints in downtown LA (a gang murder trial and then a less titilliating domestic violence trial with a dog walker victim who liked to get black-out drunk, pull out her tampon and chuck it at her boyfriend's head-- Yeah, I would have hit her too).

No, I don't read at a second grade reading level. The book was that tedious. So tedious that I would go months without even thinking of cracking it open. Naturally, when I finally did I'd read maybe a page or two before promptly falling asleep. I did read some other books in between. Nevertheless, the specter of "Lolita" the novel haunted me, vexed me and irritated me much like "Lolita" the nymph haunted, vexed and irritated Humbert Humbert.

I had to finish what I started. Why? Because the novel was considered a classic and a masterpiece. And I am considered an intellectual and a bibliophile. I knew I had to finish the damn book when my ordinarily oblivious mother said to me, "You're still reading that?" I mean, this is a woman who, when referring to a movie she might have seen, often says something like, "You know, that movie where the man falls in love with the woman with that actor I don't like with the short brown hair…"

To say "Lolita" is a little dull is to say Eva Longoria is a little annoying. Nabokov's novel is ridiculously overrated, his prose mastubatory, his style self-indulgent. Okay, so there were a few passages in the book where his writing showed some flashes of skill (I will refrain from labeling it brilliance). But, in the end, Nabokov's circular, pun-heavy, longwinded prose infuriated me to such a degree that I decided I would make it my mission to tell anyone who would listen to stay the hell away from this pretentious piece-of-shit novel. So, without further adieu: Stay away from this prententious piece-of-shit novel! Consider yourself warned.



Eva prepares for her evening with Tony.